John the Email

John the Email (7th May 1864 – 11th September 1901) was a British inventor. He made many contraptions throughout his time (which included a whisk that could download rice, the Sega Mega-CD, self-replicating church organs, The Ultra Hairy Super Scary Dairy Product Fairy, and The Final Pam); however, he is now most notable for stealing the concept of Email, or Emaileux as it was known originally in French, from Jean d'Emaileux, a fellow inventor from France. Nobody knows why, but historians speculate that John the Email may in fact have been what's known in the scientific community as a complete and utter twat.

john the email

John's life began peculiarly, as, at an early age, he began to grow a sheath of paper which surrounded his body, resembling an envelope. This, however, did not impede him much; he is known for fathering no more than 4,000 children with various women over the course of his 37 years. He died tragically in 1901 when, as he was closing the envelope on a letter he was writing to d'Emaileux which apologised for his theft of the concept of Email and promising to give him the credit he deserved, he got a paper-cut, and bled out over the course of 3 weeks.

What can we learn from John the Email? Fuck all, probably. Apart from this: never trust British people.