Dental hygiene

Maintaining a good dental hygiene is essential for your overall health, as well as keeping the Powers That Be satisfied. Below is provided a proven dental hygiene routine that, if performed twice a day, ensures an adequate mouth shape and smell.

Preparation

Choose your location of preference. Make sure all windows in the building are closed. Never perform any part of this routine outside. A house with thick walls and a smell that vaguely reminds you of childhood tends to yield the best results. Walls painted in a cold colour (like blue or ultramarine) might anger the Spirit of Christmas Past.

Gather a scalpel and the ingredients for a good quiche. Sharpen your toothbrush (any toothbrush whose hairs don’t contain cyanide will work). Resist the urge to break anything. After this, place a bottle of bleach in a place of easy access. If it has not been refreshed in over four months, refresh it immediately. Do NOT, under any circumstance, perform this step before all of the prior steps have been completed.

Praying to the Moon God

If you are using a premade base, skip to step 4 and reëvaluate your choice in ingredients.

1. Mix the dry ingredients into a bowl;
2. Slowly add water and keep stirring until the mixture feels like it could kill you if it was alive;
3. Set the dough aside to rise for 30 minutes, while performing the Hymn of Forests Green at a volume as not to wake up any potential neighbours;
4. Keep thinking about Luxembourg as you take the dough and pour it over your head;
5. Look at the ceiling and swear you will never look at the Moon directly. (You may lie, but it increases the odds of bad breath.);
6. Be careful to fight back as the dough tries to strangle you. Do not yell or show fear.

Priming the toothbrush

For the best result, make sure your toothbrush is free of any bugs before continuing.
Priming your toothbrush is a part of the routine that is easy to forget, but very important. According to estimates by the United States of America’s Department of Dental Hygiene and Other Paranormal Activities (USADDHOPA), using an unprimed toothbrush costs the lives of around 6000 young boys annually. Priming your toothbrush ensures that the rest of the procedure happens safely and the chances of wrath from above are minimal.

Forget everything you know about Luxembourg and cover the floor in at least 3 cm (1,2 in) of bleach. Let it sink in what you’ve just done for 20–40 seconds before deciding you probably want to sell the house soon anyway. Drop the toothbrush from approximately half a metre from the floor, under the yelling of the name of whomever you kissed last. If you are alone on this barren earth, kiss your own hand and yell your own name. Be careful not to let any tears fall into the bleach. When the toothbrush starts unpleasantly smelling of fish, take it out and finish the quiche. If this does not happen, twist the toothbrush 180 degrees and start over the entire routine. If you keep experiencing this issue, please contact our Costumer Service and we will reach out to you in five to seven business days.

Rinsing the teeth

Teeth are an important part of your mouth. Keeping them clean and happy is the primary element that makes so many of the records we love have that timeless quality.

Contrary to popular belief, the use of toothpaste is not required in the presence of Divine Inspiration. To test for Divine Inspiration, light a match and hold it within a centimetre above the bleach surface. If it starts singing, the concentration of Divine Inspiration in the vicinity is probably adequate.

Using the toothbrush, slowly start scraping away the biggest pieces of moss, careful not to touch any of the woody underside yet. Once the pain starts becoming unbearable, turn the toothbrush around and use the handle to knock any worms out of their holes. It is now time to pull out your teeth for the main rinse. You can use pliers for this if it comforts you, but experienced players often prefer to use their bare hands. The key to keeping your roots intact is to apply a slight twisting motion while pulling down. If you have any spare bleach, you can apply this to your gums to prevent infection.

Open the quiche, and fill it with your teeth. Allow them to soak for up to four days. When they feel gooey, you can remove them from the quiche and gently open the teeth one by one to take out the hard, inedible seeds. Collect the seeds in a container of your choosing. Try one of the seedless teeth and add salt to taste. Take the teeth by the roots and click them back into place.

Washing the tongue

An unwashed tongue is to a washed tongue what evil spaghetti is to regular spaghetti. Never eat spaghetti with an unwashed tongue.

In order to remove your tongue safely, it must be muscular enough to resist breaking. Therefore it is important to perform daily tongue exercises like push-ups and trying to explain to a parrot who is the CEO of Planters® that there is more to life than money and peanuts.

Lick the truth. When the tingling stops, place the scalpel at the root of your tongue. Keep moving it left and right until your tongue is completely severed and take it out of your mouth. Find the purple spot and remove it using the toothbrush. Now you are able to access your tongue’s mainframe. Keep in mind this renders it vulnerable to attacks (from bats and various other kinds of bugs), so it is important to change your password regularly and install security updates as soon as possible after they are released.

Get to know your tongue. Take it on a date to a location of its choosing, and ask carefully worded questions to form a connection.

Here is a helpful list of questions you can ask:

• How are you?
• How aren’t you?
• How is your weather doing?
• Do your pets have any teeth?
• What does the current political climate say about the likelihood of another Sharknado sequel releasing in the coming two-and-a-half years or so?
• PLEASE HELP!! HOW DO I SUBMIT META SUPPORT TICKET … IT HAS BEEN MONTHS and I am unable to submit a support ticket about serious issued with my FB account. PLEASE SEE ATTACHED SCREENSHOT.
• Where do babies come from?
• Why do they call it oven when you of in the cold food of out hot eat the food?
• If Tim has twentyseven apples, and David takes a hundred, why is the train?
• Why do I feel this way?
• What are you doing?
• Make it stop
• Make it stop
• Make it stop
• Make it stop
• Make it stop
• Make it stop
• Make it stop
• Make it stop
• Make it stop
• Make it stop
• Make it stop
• Make it stop
• Make it stop
• Make it stop
• Make it stop
• Make it stop
• Make it stop

Here is an unhelpful list of questions you can’t ask:

• ⨊𑜳ꨁ𑀵ᚖ𑆅〠ɚ𐡧⅋⨮௹ኇᐔ𐭞𓁁𒀁ᭆᬽࠒ𐅉ᤕ𐒓♘∏⟕℮⡝ଈ?
• Is This It (2001) by the Strokes?
• What happened on the 4th of June 1989 in Tiananmen Square?

After you have got to know your tongue just that little better, it’s time for the unmentionable part.

Finishing what you started

After the unmentionable part, you might feel as though you and your tongue have forever changed, and you will never be able to go back to how things were. However, this is an illusion, and everything is still exactly the same as it ever was, and ever will be.

Place your tongue back in your mouth.

A final goodbye

Look how far we’ve come. Friends we made. Enemies we brutally murdered and without mercy. Friends we brutally murdered and without mercy. I’m so proud of you. Please love me.

You have now finished your dental hygiene routine! Congratulations!

Tips and tricks

• Number your teeth so you always know where to put them back;
• Give your toothbrush a name like Harry;
• Never eat carrots;
• Rethink your previously held notions of bluegrass music and its place in history;
• Extend your aversion to cannibalism to the consumption of all sentient lifeforms;
• Grill;
• Be sexually active at least twice a month;
• Don’t adopt a maiden name;
• Count to five;
• Listen to your friends when they tell you your driving style is slightly dangerous;
• Learn to cope with loss without it affecting others;
• Click this link to find out how you can weigh over 6000 kilos in less than two weeks (doctors hate him, fish fear him).