Jean d'Emaileux

Mon dieu, c'est un email! Pense que l'email va changer le monde!

Jean d'Emaileux (1 December 1808 - 18 June 1902) was a French essayist, hawker, and inventor. Today he is considered to have been the true inventor of the email, despite the credit for this invention having been claimed by John the Email.

Early life

Jean was born in the Emaileux region of France to parents Renauld and Marguerite d’Emaileux.

Homosexual affairs

Throughout his time at the University of Poitiers, d’Emaileux gained a reputation for being romantically involved with other men. Though he denied such claims, he would write and publish essays on the subjects of personal liberation, sexual freedom, and how cool it is to kiss other men, to wide acclaim.

Volume III of d’Emaileux’s diaries, all of which were published posthumously, contains the details of his homosexual relationships.

Invention and theft of the email

For many years, d’Emaileux was frustrated by the great amount of time it took to communicate by post, and often noted down ideas for expedited forms of communication, none of which came to fruition. One notable example was his idea for le telegraphe dansant, a kind of semaphore signal system wherein messages were communicated by voguing.

Dispute with John the Email

Main article: Email feud

Illness and death

So great was the stress inflicted by John the Email’s betrayal that d’Emaileux began to suffer from cardiac and respiratory issues in what would turn out to be the last few years of his life. Jean d’Emaileux died at the age of ninety-three when, on a walk in the countryside accompanied by his grand-niece and then-caretaker Geneviéve de-Saint-Roche, he began to suffer a coughing fit and was then trampled to death by a passing stampede of wild Star Trek cosplayers.

This is often thought to have been the work of Jesus 2, the Second Son of God. Scholars believe it to be an act of rebellion against his father for not provoking the invention of the bagless vacuum cleaner back in 1808. Of course, however, this cannot be proven, much like his suspected involvement with the plenitude of odd occurrences throughout history.