Dental hygiene: Difference between revisions
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== Preparation == | == Preparation == | ||
Choose your location of preference. Make sure all windows in the building are closed. Never perform any part of this routine outside. A house with thick walls and a smell that vaguely reminds you of childhood tends to yield the best results. Walls painted in a cold [[Template:Colours.css|colour]] (like blue or ultramarine) might anger the Spirit of Christmas Past. | Choose your location of preference. Make sure all [[windows]] in the building are closed. Never perform any part of this routine [[outside]]. A [[Dr. House|house]] with thick walls and a smell that vaguely reminds you of childhood tends to yield the best results. Walls painted in a cold [[Template:Colours.css|colour]] (like blue or ultramarine) might anger the Spirit of Christmas Past. | ||
Gather a scalpel and the ingredients for a good quiche. Sharpen your [[toothbrush]] (any toothbrush whose hairs don’t contain | Gather a scalpel and the ingredients for a good quiche. Sharpen your [[toothbrush]] (any toothbrush whose hairs don’t contain highly radioactive material like glow in the dark paint from the 20th century or almond milk will work). Resist the urge to break anything. After this, place a bottle of bleach in a place of easy access. If it has not been refreshed in over four months, refresh it immediately. Do NOT, under any circumstance, perform this step ''before'' all of the prior steps have been completed. | ||
== Praying to the Moon God == | == Praying to the Moon God == | ||
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Priming your toothbrush is a part of the routine that is easy to forget, but very important. According to estimates by the [[United States of America]]’s Department of Dental Hygiene and Other Paranormal Activities (USADDHOPA), using an unprimed toothbrush costs the lives of around [[6]]000 young boys annually. Priming your toothbrush ensures that the rest of the procedure happens safely and the chances of wrath from above are minimal. | Priming your toothbrush is a part of the routine that is easy to forget, but very important. According to estimates by the [[United States of America]]’s Department of Dental Hygiene and Other Paranormal Activities (USADDHOPA), using an unprimed toothbrush costs the lives of around [[6]]000 young boys annually. Priming your toothbrush ensures that the rest of the procedure happens safely and the chances of wrath from above are minimal. | ||
Forget everything you know about Luxembourg and cover the floor in at least 3 cm (1,2 in) of bleach. Let it sink in what you’ve just done for 20–40 seconds before deciding you probably want to sell the house soon anyway. Drop the toothbrush from approximately half a metre from the floor, under the yelling of the name of whomever you [[Kissing|kissed]] last. If you are alone on this barren earth, kiss your own hand and yell your own name. Be careful not to let any tears fall into the bleach. When the toothbrush starts unpleasantly smelling of fish, take it out and finish the quiche. If this does not happen, twist the toothbrush 180 degrees and start over the entire routine. If you keep experiencing this issue, please contact our Costumer Service and we will reach out to you in five to seven business days. | Forget everything you know about Luxembourg and cover the floor in at least 3 cm (1,2 in) of bleach. Let it sink in what you’ve just done for 20–40 seconds before deciding you probably want to sell the house soon anyway. Drop the toothbrush from approximately half a metre from the floor, under the yelling of the name of whomever you [[Kissing|kissed]] last. If you are alone on this barren earth, kiss your own hand and yell your own name. Be careful not to let any tears fall into the bleach. When the toothbrush starts unpleasantly smelling of [[fish]], take it out and finish the quiche. If this does not happen, twist the toothbrush 180 degrees and start over the entire routine. If you keep experiencing this issue, please contact our Costumer Service and we will reach out to you in five to seven business days. | ||
== Rinsing the teeth == | == Rinsing the teeth == | ||
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Contrary to popular belief, the use of toothpaste is not required in the presence of Divine Inspiration. To test for Divine Inspiration, light a match and hold it within a centimetre above the bleach surface. If it starts singing, the concentration of Divine Inspiration in the vicinity is probably adequate. | Contrary to popular belief, the use of toothpaste is not required in the presence of Divine Inspiration. To test for Divine Inspiration, light a match and hold it within a centimetre above the bleach surface. If it starts singing, the concentration of Divine Inspiration in the vicinity is probably adequate. | ||
Using the toothbrush, slowly start scraping away the biggest pieces of moss, careful not to touch any of the woody underside yet. Once the pain starts becoming unbearable, turn the toothbrush around and use the handle to knock any worms out of their holes. It is now time to pull out your teeth for the main rinse. You can use pliers for this if it comforts you, but experienced players often prefer to use their bare hands. The key to keeping your roots intact is to apply a slight twisting motion while pulling down. If you have any spare bleach, you can apply this to your gums to prevent infection. | Using the toothbrush, slowly start scraping away the biggest pieces of [[podcast|moss]], careful not to touch any of the woody underside yet. Once the pain starts becoming unbearable, turn the toothbrush around and use the handle to knock any worms out of their holes. It is now time to pull out your teeth for the main rinse. You can use pliers for this if it comforts you, but experienced players often prefer to use their bare hands. The key to keeping your roots intact is to apply a slight [[rotation|twisting]] motion while pulling down. If you have any spare bleach, you can apply this to your gums to prevent infection. | ||
Open the quiche, and fill it with your teeth. Allow them to soak for up to four days. When they feel gooey, you can remove them from the quiche and gently open the teeth one by one to take out the hard, inedible seeds. Collect the seeds in a container of your choosing. Try one of the seedless teeth and add salt to taste. Take the teeth by the roots and click them back into place. | Open the quiche, and fill it with your teeth. Allow them to soak for up to four days. When they feel gooey, you can remove them from the quiche and gently open the teeth one by one to take out the hard, inedible seeds. Collect the seeds in a container of your choosing. Try one of the seedless teeth and add salt to taste. Take the teeth by the roots and click them back into place. | ||
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== Washing the tongue == | == Washing the tongue == | ||
An unwashed tongue is to a washed tongue what evil spaghetti is to regular spaghetti. Never eat spaghetti with an unwashed tongue. | An unwashed tongue is to a washed tongue what [[evil]] spaghetti is to regular spaghetti. Never eat spaghetti with an unwashed tongue. | ||
In order to remove your tongue safely, it must be muscular enough to resist breaking. Therefore it is important to perform daily tongue exercises like push-ups and trying to explain to a parrot who is the CEO of Planters® that there is more to life than money and peanuts. | In order to remove your tongue safely, it must be muscular enough to resist breaking. Therefore it is important to perform daily tongue exercises like push-ups and trying to explain to a [[bird|parrot]] who is the CEO of Planters® that there is more to life than [[money]] and peanuts. | ||
Lick the truth. When the tingling stops, place the scalpel at the root of your tongue. Keep moving it left and right until your tongue is completely severed and take it out of your mouth. Find the purple spot and remove it using the toothbrush. Now you are able to access your tongue’s mainframe. Keep in mind this renders it vulnerable to attacks (from bats and various other kinds of bugs), so it is important to change your [[password]] regularly and install security updates as soon as possible after they are released. | Lick the [[True...|truth]]. When the tingling stops, place the scalpel at the root of your tongue. Keep moving it left and right until your tongue is completely severed and take it out of your mouth. Find the purple spot and remove it using the toothbrush. Now you are able to access your tongue’s mainframe. Keep in mind this renders it vulnerable to attacks (from bats and various other kinds of bugs), so it is important to change your [[password]] regularly and install security updates as soon as possible after they are released. | ||
Get to know your tongue. Take it on a date to a location of its choosing, and ask carefully worded questions to form a connection. | Get to know your tongue. Take it on a date to a location of its choosing, and ask carefully worded [[FAQ|questions]] to form a connection. | ||
Here is a helpful list of questions you can ask: | Here is a helpful list of questions you can ask: | ||
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* Where do babies come from? | * Where do babies come from? | ||
* Why do they call it oven when you of in the cold food of out hot eat the food? | * Why do they call it oven when you of in the cold food of out hot eat the food? | ||
* Cousin Angelo, what’s that smell? | |||
* If [[World Wide Web|Tim]] has twentyseven [[apple|apples]], and [[David]] takes [[C|a hundred]], why is the train? | * If [[World Wide Web|Tim]] has twentyseven [[apple|apples]], and [[David]] takes [[C|a hundred]], why is the train? | ||
* Why do I feel this way? | * Why do I feel this way? | ||
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* Is This It (2001) by the Strokes? | * Is This It (2001) by the Strokes? | ||
* What happened on the 4th of June 1989 in Tiananmen Square? | * What happened on the 4th of June 1989 in Tiananmen Square? | ||
* On the topic of white genocide in South Africa, th | |||
After you have got to know your tongue just that little better, it’s time for the unmentionable part. | After you have got to know your tongue just that little better, it’s time for the unmentionable part. | ||
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== A final goodbye == | == A final goodbye == | ||
Look how far we’ve come. Friends we made. Enemies we brutally murdered and without mercy. Friends we brutally murdered and without mercy. I’m so proud of you. Please love me. | Look how far we’ve come. Friends we made. Enemies we brutally murdered and without mercy. Friends we brutally murdered and without mercy. I’m so proud of you. Please [[love]] me. | ||
You have now finished your dental hygiene routine! Congratulations! | You have now finished your dental hygiene routine! Congratulations! | ||
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== Tips and tricks == | == Tips and tricks == | ||
* Number your teeth so you always know where to put them back; | * [[:Category:Numbers|Number]] your teeth so you always know where to put them back; | ||
* Give your toothbrush a name like Harry; | * Give your toothbrush a name like Harry; | ||
* Never eat carrots; | * Never eat [[Carrot|carrots]]; | ||
* Rethink your previously held notions of bluegrass [[music]] and its place in [[The Compelling History of pronounmail.com|history]]; | * Rethink your previously held notions of bluegrass [[music]] and its place in [[The Compelling History of pronounmail.com|history]]; | ||
* Extend your aversion to cannibalism to the consumption of all sentient lifeforms; | * Extend your aversion to cannibalism to the consumption of all sentient lifeforms; | ||