Aristotle

Aristotle was the Earth's first and last homosexual

Early life

Aristo Tle (or Arse for short) was born in a bathtub in Greece in 5 AD. As he was born, he noticed that the level of the water had risen due to him being in it, a phenomenon we now know as This Placement. Immediately, he shouted "URETHRA!!", though, because he didn't yet know how to speak, it just sounded like some garbled cry. This is thought to have been the root cause of his later obsessions with bathtubs.

As a teenager, Arse became aware of the culture of the time, which mainly involved men getting with women. He thought this was awfully dull, so, for variety's sake, decided to change it up by getting with another man at age 20, with whom he proceeded to get up to no good with in a bathtub. This experience was revolutionary, not only in terms of the development of contortionism, nor simply for liberating Arse himself, but also in breaking the norms of Season 1-era Greece so profoundly that, for the duration of the tomfoolery, it existed in a state of simultaneous total societal collapse, and complete utopian advancement and societal cohesion.

However, Arse realised that the sheer level of swag achieved through these newly-discovered "homosexual" acts was enough to provoke space-time anomalies, resulting in the formation of black holes which could be dangerous to life, so they had to be stopped. Thankfully, the only areas where these appeared were in then-uninhabited areas of Great Britain, where they remain to this day beneath most suburban towns, sucking the life and soul out of them and any of their visitors or inhabitants.

On-time life

Three years later, King Wotsisname (no, that really was his name) consulted Arse about a method by which he could measure the gold content of his crown or... something. Remembering his theory of This Placement, Arse once more cried, "URETHRA!!", which he could now say, since he had acquired the knowledge of speech some 15 years prior. Wotsisname, however, instead of interpreting it as Greek for "piss tube", instead thought that Arse was remarking that he smelled awful, so banished him from Wherezitnow in a fit of rage. (I promise I haven't made these names up.)

Arse pleaded with the King to allow him to stay, citing all the good he'd done with his bath-based bottom bonanza of three years prior, but Wotsisname was having none of his bullshit.

Late life

Full of rage and anger, Arse was forced to begin roaming the Greek countryside, regionside, countyside, and metropolitanboroughside, where he would remain until his death.

During the first 2 years of his exile, his hot, simmering emotions, like a pot of delicious, yummy emotion stew, were brought gradually to a boil by his isolation, and his interest in bathtubs became an absolute obsession. He would travel from village to village, drowning people in bathtubs in a desperate but vain attempt to make them see what he saw in them, the potential they held. To Arse, if they could reveal the wonder of This Placement, then what other secrets of the Universe could they hold? This was a pattern he continued for 6 long, damp years, until, succumbing to the ultimate hubris, Arse drowned in his own bathtub in the woods of Ithaca in 31 AD.

As it turned out, the final secret Arse would prize from the merciless, cold taps (and hot taps) of the bathtub would be the means to his demise.

Once In A Lifetime

There is water

At the bottom of the bathtub

Controver-life

What's this guy's fucking deal with bathtubs?